How is the state of your friendships?
I’d like to share some friendship thoughts today to enhance your life.
I’ve been writing on 12 strategies from positive psychology
]In case you’ve missed them, I’ll list them here:
Live Happy Strategy #1: Live Life to the Full
Live Happy Strategy #2: Optimism: Key to Success
Live Happy Strategy #3: Learn Two Secrets of Being Happy
Live Happy Strategy #4: 10 Acts of Kindness To Change the World
Here’s a Friendship Poem I Found at PoemSource.Com:
I found this friendship poem, and thought it a fitting introduction to my thoughts about friendship:
What Is A Friend?
in the back of your mind,
providing feelings of comfort and security.
A friend is someone
who adds happy sparkle to your life,
joy, fun, a predictable creator of happiness.
A friend is a stormproof shelter
from life’s challenges, troubles, uncertainties,
an unassailable bond overcoming any challenge,
strengthening the connection in the process.
You are all this and more, my friend.
Thank you.
One of the key success factors to living life to the full is to nurture and cherish the friendships you have, as well as mending past friendships that may have fallen prey to busy-ness or neglect.
Friendship Thought #1: Here’s a Friendship Metaphor
Perhaps the most helpful thought I have about friendship can be better expressed in terms of a methaphor of gardening.
Entropy
I don’t what it is about a garden, but dirt just seems to be so conducive to weeds. I’m not much of a gardener, but I do know that if you leave the dirt alone, weeds start growing. Also, bugs seem to invade gardens and eat the good plants. In just a matter of a few weeks, the sun can dry out the dirt, the weeks can use up the nutrients in the soil, and you’re left with dead plants and plentiful weeds.
It takes some knowledge and planning to make a garden work. You need to know which type of plants you’re going to purchase; how to best tend to them; what types of fertilizer to buy to keep the weeds at bay.
Humility
You may need to admit that you don’t know all that it takes to grow a garden. Or that, like me, you don’t have a green thumb. You may need to admit that you’ve ruined plants in the past. And that you’re a little scared to try planting again.
Friendship Thought #2: Here are Some Friendship Building Activities
Dr. Gary Chapman has written a book called The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Consider calling your friends on a regular basis, to let them know you’re thinking of them and interested in their lives. Get to know their interests, hopes, dreams, and goals. Think about how you can help support them in those areas of their life. Be there to listen when they are going through difficult times.
Consider writing them to let them know how much their friendship means to you. A card, a poem, even an article that they might find helpful can go a long way to feed the garden of your friendship.
Acts of Service
It takes a selfless person to sustain an ongoing relationship. One of the best ways that you can fertilize the soil of your friendship is through acts of service. You may want to re-visit my post regarding 10 Acts of Kindness to Change the World for some ideas, but as you get to know your friend over months and years, you’ll have a pretty good idea as to which acts of service will mean the most to him/her.
Quality Time
Some people experience love through quality time spent together. I’ve been guilty of being too task oriented, losing myself in projects at the expense of spending time with my friends and family. But, at the end of your life, are you going to be more proud of the “things” you checked off of your to-do list, or will you be more satisfied with the quality of friendships you nurtured over your lifetime. Don’t put the cart before the horse! Make sure that you intentionally block out big chunks of time for your friends and family.
Friendship Thought #3: Restore Friendships That Are In Dis-Repair
Too often, our pride and expectations get in the way of repairing old friendships that have broken down due to lack of communication or effort. We may be too proud to look in the mirror and take note of blind spots in our own personal lives that may have gotten in the way of true friendship. Take an honest look at yourself. Ask other friends for feedback as to what character flaws may be getting in the way. Sure, it’s painful to look in the mirror and see the smudges on our face. But unless we look, we can’t wash our face 
Reach Out
Sometimes, absolutely nothing needs to be said. The mere act of performing an act of service, or of picking up the phone, or of hanging out for a couple hours may be all that is needed to get the bloom back in the friendship. But don’t leave it at that! Remember that a garden requires consistent effort and care.
What are your thoughts on nurturing and rebuilding existing and past relationships? I look forward to your comments!
photo credit: Anamorphic Mike
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About Stephen Borgman
Hi Stephen,
Wow, there’s a lot packed into this article! Believe it or not I’ve not read The 5 Love Languages all the way through. But enough has been said about it that I feel like I have. That’s a really important factor to consider when developing and maintaining friendships. What is an act of love for one person is only “just an action” to another.
I think my main problem with friendships is that I can’t keep up with them! Friends from different stages of my life are scattered all over the country / world, and now I’m making new friends online. I find I’m not even keeping up very well with my personal Facebook friends. Don’t have an answer for that one yet, except to just hang on until eternity, when there won’t be separations!
Pastor Sherry recently posted..Spiritual Life: “Unloving” Blocks “Love”
Pastor Sherry, thanks for your input. Relationships in the 21st century, and in certain parts of the world, seem challenging to maintain. Unfortunately, with all the connectivity of social media, there can still be something lost: good old fashioned face to face time together and just hanging out. We can learn a lot from other cultures, where the pace is a bit slower, and people spend a lot more time relating together.
I agree with you, as well, about the stages of life. Depending on what stage we’re in, a lot of our friends really are all over the world. In that case, Facebook and other social media outlets can really be a blessing.
Hi Steve,
I like the friendship metaphor. I’m not a gardener either, but the message is clear: if you want to let the garden flourish, it takes action steps. Friendship is a verb and it requires consciously attention. You have to nurture the seeds until they are ready to flourish. If there is weed, remove the weed. And if the flowers and plants finally flourish, celebrate the moment and remember this wonderful moments!
Thanks for the inspiration
marc van der Linden recently posted..What are you core values? – ( Conclusion ) – 13 tips to let them work for you
Marc, thanks for stopping by! Weeds often come in the form of disappointed and unspoken expectations in a relationship. It’s important to be able to talk about those and to resolve conflict so that those weeds don’t choke out the joy of the friendship. Thanks for sharing.
Pride is one reason why it prevents us from getting our old friendship back. If we will only learn to remove our pride and do the first move to get our old friendship back, instead of waiting for them to do it for us, we could certainly help ourselves to restore that friendship.
Candice Michelle recently posted..Baby Eagle
Candice, thanks for pointing out the obstacles that pride presents.
Twitter: martyinmaui
says:
Wonderful article Stephen! Some of my most valued friends have been with me over the years and over the miles. I live out in the middle of the Pacific, yet I am blessed with close friendships on the mainland and even in other countries … people I’ve known for so many years it’s hard to even remember when I didn’t know them. It’s not that they are any more valued than my friends here on the Island, but I find I’m more sensitive to what it takes to remain connected to those long distance relationships.
marquita herald recently posted..Success! Everybody Dreams of it, but What Does it Really Mean?
Marquita, I think you could write a wonderful article based on your experiences: how to nurture and maintain online relationships/distance relationships. I think that’s becoming more and more the reality of our relationships in this digital age.
Twitter: lynnjonesie
says:
Stephen, Wonderful article on cultivating friendships. I love that book, “The 5 Love Languages” and read it many years ago and still have it on my shelf. If we want to speak love and care we need to speak in the recipients love language. If gift giving is not his love language and quality time is, then a new tie won’t mean much. But if we plan an outing where we can connect emotionally and have great conversation…..well then then we are making some headway!
Be blessed!
Lynn
Lynn Jones recently posted..Our Pursuit of Happiness
Thanks, Lynn, for your feedback and reminders
Steve-Personal Success Factors recently posted..Friendship Thoughts To Enhance Your Life
Twitter: RetireWithCarla
says:
I agree with Pastor Sherry.
My friends are spread out across the country both the US and Canada. Thank goodness for social media or I wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with as many as I do.
Carla McNeil, Social Media Manager recently posted..Social Media Marketing – Are You Careful With Your Online Reputation? You Need to Be
Carla, I’m also grateful for social media! Facebook, especially, put me in touch with some friends I had not seen or heard from in years! I do think we can go a step beyond that once we’ve re-connected, though, whether by phone or by email.
Twitter: blondishnet
says:
For me, I have been trying to re-connect with friends I had from grade school to high school. Some of them were my best friends. I was lucky enough to re-connect via Facebook, but I have not seen them in person. I grew up a military brat and was always moving, so making friends was a continuous thing. I was always making them and losing them…unable to catch up with them.
I find myself being the one to reach out. Sometimes it turns out good, but I wonder if those I cannot get a hole of are just busy.
Nile recently posted..The Best Permalink Structure To Use In WordPress
Nile, it’s interesting you talk about the life of an Army brat. I grew up as the son of missionaries, so I was always moving in between the Brazil, South America, and the United States. I, too, am good at making friends, but I was used to having to say good-by a lot as well. It’s great that you are willing to reach out as you do.
There are two principal attributes that characterize human relationship. The will to receive and the will to bestow.
Friends belong to that group of very rare people for whom the will to give (bestow) is natural. The ability to give without the need to receive is indeed a precious quality but as you say must not be abused.
So friends must cultivate their gift, make it blossom, expand beyond the horizons of human limitations.
Stevie @ Dating Tips For Women recently posted..Are You Ready For Valentine’s Day?
Stevie, I could not have found the words to express friendship as eloquently as you did. Thanks for the insight!
Twitter: SrinivasYReddy
says:
Hello Steve!
It’s good to read you again. I couldn’t agree with you more. The stuff of life will come and go, but a good friend is the greatest treasure you could have. I have rarely shed a tear over losing “stuff,” but shed many a tear over losing a good friend.
That said, I see friendships as an investment. Not that you’re investing in a friendship because you want something back from it, but because you VALUE this friendship. And we invest in a friendship with our precious time, which none of us have enough of these days. No matter. We’ve got to MAKE time for our friends.
Srinivas Reddy | Ask Sage recently posted..The Power Of Habit
Srinivas, thanks for the great words of encouragement. If we are not making the time for our friends, we need to revisit our values and make friendship a priority.
Twitter: reachnathalie
says:
Hi Stephen,
I thought your blog post was so powerful. I am going through a lot of questioning at the moment and your article helped a lot! My post today was about “People come into your life for a reason” and friendship is something that we must cultivate…but people do leave. I love your metaphor of gardening…I might want to barrow that one
~ Nathalie
Here’s a poem I love about friendship
What Is A Friend?
A friend is someone always there
in the back of your mind,
providing feelings of comfort and security.
A friend is someone
who adds happy sparkle to your life,
joy, fun, a predictable creator of happiness.
A friend is a stormproof shelter
from life’s challenges, troubles, uncertainties,
an unassailable bond overcoming any challenge,
strengthening the connection in the process.
You are all this and more, my friend.
Thank you.
By Joanna Fuchs
Nathalie Villeneuve recently posted..People Come Into Your Life For a Reason
Nathalie, that’s a beautiful poem! May we be able to become the type of friend that our friends need
Friendship has the same root of love and the more we give the more we attract the right persons for us. It has happened to me to give and be disappointed from I what I got back and this was an opportunity for me to learn to screen people before saying he or she is my friend. Friendship is sacred and needs to be cultivated as we would do with a rose or a garden as you say.
At the same time because it is sacred we need to go nurture it with patience and calm as we would do with our garden.
Thanks Stephen!
Giving, patience, and calm: great ingredients for a great friendship, Patricia. I would also add that we need to exercise judgement, as you pointed out. Not every person will make a great friend: everyone has work they need to do on themselves. Some people, if they have not done the work they need to, can sometimes be more harmful than helpful in a friendship.
Twitter: learnit2earnit
says:
Friendship is so important to keep us balanced and have that acceptance of others. Thank you Stephen for your wonderful insight, advice and thoughts. I can’t imagine not having my friends to be able to bounce something off of them, whether it is personal or business. Friends are helpful to a more healthy life. Its those moments I remember most, when friends help you in time of need but also share in your joy.
Lynn Brown recently posted..Why Facebook Fan Pages Are Like Having Another Website
Lynn, you said this so well. I’m learning even more about friendship just from yours and others’ comments.
Thanks for the reminder about the importance of friendship. With our lives so full of chaos, we sometimes don’t pay enough attention to our friends. Great post!
Kathryn Rose recently posted..Social Buzz Club 2.0 – Launched! Post to Multiple Twitter, Facebook Pages, LinkedIn Groups and More
I absolutely agree, Kathryn! We need to live life at a prioritized pace, so that we can see what is truly important in our lives.
Great poem and insight. Thank you for sharing them.
You’re welcome, Dan
I love your analogy of the garden. Yes it is so true that the garden or (friendship) untended is overrun with weeds or (neglect) and it takes real effort and tending to build real meaningful relationships!
Lynda Cromar recently posted..Oh My God I Am So Stoked! What Is My Lead System Pro Going To Reveal Tonight?
A true friend is someone who is always there no matter what, the good and bad. Its nice to have good friends you can counts on, around the whole earth.
Jacob recently posted..Wakeupnow Third Party Review – Read Before You Join
Twitter: opportplanet
says:
Hi Stephen,
Our friends and family are the most important people we have in life, especially our friends play a major role in our life since we select them and many times is a mirror of our own character. For that reason we should be thankful that we have them and help them if they need it without expecting to get anything in return…
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