How Developing Adult Friendships with No Less Than Four Close Friends Can Save Your Life
During our teenage years, we spend roughly a third of our time developing and maintaining friendships. Once we reach adulthood, the percentage of friendship time drops to 10%.
Could this friendship decline be a factor in increased rates of depression as we age? According to psychologist Martin Seligman, a lack of social support means a loss of resources that can act as a buffer against setbacks and failures, both emotional and physical.
As important as you believe your friends are, you may be surprised to learn what research has uncovered about the power of developing the right friendships and how it can change and save your life. Believe it or not, friends help us live longer and happier, and the quality of our friendships is of far greater importance than the quantity. (Although there does seem to be a minimum number of friends required for good health—can you guess what it is?). Make real friends with the following ideas in mind.
How Developing Adult Friendships Will Have a Profound Effect on Your Physical Well-Being
People with close friends are less likely to catch a cold or suffer from cognitive decline, and heart patients who had less than four friends were more than twice as likely to die as those with four or more friends. Four good friends seem to be an optimal number.
Friends affect our health through their love and support, but they also affect our health through their example as we tend to mimic our friends best and worst habits, especially when it comes to diet, dress and exercise. If your friends eat healthy, you are five times more likely to have a healthy diet yourself.
A New Study That Shows How Friends Can Change Your Perceptions and Make Exercise Easier Than It Is
A group of students at the University of Virginia were taken to the base of a steep hill and fitted with a weighted backpack. They were then asked to estimate the steepness of the hill. Students who stood with friends gave lower estimates of the steepness of the hill than students who stood alone. And the longer the friends had known each other, the less steep the hill appeared.
You see, without the right support, we automatically make everything look harder than it is – and we start to make excuses for why we cannot make the healthier choice in life.
When we mix with our friends we literally mix, becoming more like them through association. Therefore it is important to choose friends with care, ensuring that they support you and that you feel comfortable with their example.
What You Should Look For In Your Adult Friendships…
1. To maximize the sum of your adult friendships, you should seek to have as many roles covered in your friendships as possible, which is why you need at least 4 close friends. These roles include a personal coach who helps his or her friends to succeed in achieving their goals, a matchmaker who connects friends, a hobbyist who shares a passion for some activity, an entertainer who livens up any friendly gathering, a sage that everyone comes to for advice and an innovator who loves introducing friends to new experiences.
2. Each friend should have something aspirational about them—a quality you admire and want to emulate. This way you can lead a happier, healthier and more successful life.
As Anais Nin put it, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.” What worlds would you like to have born in you? Look to your adult friends for ways you can expand each other’s worlds and to the strangers who may become friends.
About the Author:
Lynn Everett provides 101 ways to connect with your girlfriends in her new book, Drink Wine and Giggle. Her activities encourage self-awareness, strengthening friendship bonds, offer an inexhaustible source of fun and make your life better in a lasting way.
Connect, make real friends, be inspired and have more fun by getting Lynn’s book now at: http://www.DrinkWineandGiggle.com.
photo credit: Franko Folini
“seek to have as many roles covered in your friendships as possible”…
Often times we talk about being in the right place at the right time, or “it’s who you know”. I’ve often thought that it’s often our friends who make us lucky. They pass along opportunities, invite us to their vacation homes, give us a break or lend a hand when we need one – but with so many distractions we don’t spend much time developing our network of friends. We may grow apart from the old one’s and failing to make new one’s leaves us exposed.
Aaron Black recently posted…Map Your Chaos and Make Sense of Life
One leader who I respect quite a bit talks about vacations he takes every year with friends. He and his wife will go away with two other couples and enjoy each others’ company. You’re so right about friends helping us out, yet our being so distracted that we don’t spend the time to develop those relationships. Thanks for the reminder.
Hi Stephen,
thank you so much for sharing this interesting research about how friendship affects our life.
‘Teenagers spend a third of their time developing and maintaining friendships, wow.’
I grew up very isolated and had very little contact with other kids throughout my entire childhood.
As an adult I have developed meaningful and supportive friendships with a few people.
Being your own best friend is very important too.
This can be done with writing a journal.
Since I have done that on a daily basis it has deepened my friendships.
Love and Light
Yorinda
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Thanks Stephen for sharing the “facts” behind friends!
As a social person, I do have many friends. No, I don’t have coffee with them. No, I don’t see them often.
But I do keep in contact with them. We support one another. When I see a friend on my caller ID, I know it is important. It goes beyond chit chatting, because the friends I make each have an important role in my life.
Being a woman, I’m not the kind of gal that likes to go out for “girls night” or shopping with other friends. Actually my husband is my best friend! But when it comes for me to have support, I do have a coach, therapist, and so many others I can turn to with open hearts and minds.
Sometimes I think that if I were to put all my friends in one room, each one would come from a different path of life. What a hoot that would be!
But I cannot forget my dear internet friends. I have found so much support and growth from them in the past two years. I am so grateful!
Donna
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Donna, thank you for your insightful comments. It’s great that you have friends you can share deep thoughts and feelings with. As a man, I’m grateful for other men who speak into my life. I’m not able to “hang out” with them as much as I’d like, but I do get together with them every couple of weeks, and we are able to challenge each other and support each other to become better husbands, fathers, and followers of Christ. I’m so appreciative of their role in my life.
Stephen,
My friends are so very important to me – and just as Donna Merrill has said – No, I don’t see them often or have coffee with them often, but they offer such a relief when I am feeling most stressed, worried or frustrated by a person, project or internal emotion. I have always had many different types of friends for shared activities, intellectual and artistic stimulation, and more. However, since becoming involved in the online world I got into the habit of spending a lot more time at the computer than meeting with and socializing with friends. One of my favorite people invited me to brunch this Sunday morning. I usually go to my Infinite Way meditation group, but I go there alone and leave alone. Yes, it inspires me. But I decided to choose my friendship and enjoy this Sunday with my friend.
Thanks for sharing such valuable information. I have known this intuitively and it is good to see that research corroborates that.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica, I read the poem you wrote to a dear friend who recently passed away, and I can see that you are a good friend surrounded by great souls. I’m glad you chose to spend time with your friend, and that you’re aware of how online activity can take us away from relationships. One of my mantras this year is “Relationships, Relationships, Relationships.” I have no problem focusing on work, but I have to “work” on focusing on my relationships.
Stephen,
So true what you said. It really is easy to focus on work and to not focus on relationships. Balance is truly the key. I make sure to tell my friends how much they mean to me. This year I plan to also spend more time with friends.
Warmly,
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted…Ho’oponopono for Creating Joyful and Lasting Love
This is a great fact that we all should review for ourselves. I have kept every friend from the age 7 years old. My best friend past away before he turned 25 years old. Then my others friends each have qualities and characteristics that balance with my rhythm.
You spotted the balance yet I do not want to mimic anyone of them. We are unique and that is what I value the most. Yet, to be able to compliment each others is what I look for and be cam aware of that when one friend past away. Something brings another person who becomes a friend with that same characteristic as the one I lost. It doesn’t need to make sense yet it happened for the years I served overseas in the US Air Force. My four friends over there had the same characteristics as the ones who where home waiting for me to return. It just happen and balances my rhythm that makes me feel good.
This is a subject that there are endless examples to give and I agree with your findings on the number 4 for friends.
William Amis recently posted…Clarity Of Our Industry
Thanks for sharing your experiences with friendships, William!
Whew – well I’ve got the 4 covered, though I don’t know about the specific roles. I used to have a plethora of friends but that changed dramatically after my divorce a few years ago. Some people we’d been friends with for 20+ years suddenly vanished as though they were afraid to ‘catch it’ while others attempted to sit the fence remain friends with both of us. It was painful to watch. I value my friendships today and the history we share, but I know that I changed after that experience with my ‘other’ friends and will likely never rely on the support of others again the way I did back on my more naive days.
marquita herald recently posted…What is the Most Valuable Lesson You Learned about Yourself this Year?
Marquita, it’s sad that you had to go through such a painful betrayal from some of the people you thought were friends. Careful trust might be the best way to describe how to go forward in new relationships, I’m guessing?
Hi Stephen:
I am a firm believer in the power of friendship and community. We were never meant to do life alone and we need healthy relationships in our lives. I loved the different roles that were listed in the post. Each of those are so critical.
Thanks!
Kevin
Kevin Martineau recently posted…The Touch of the Master’s Hand
Thanks for sharing, Kevin!
Hi Stephen,
I like friends with whom I can “do stuff” like swimming, scuba diving or hiking. I’ve made a few friends on the internet, one is definitely my best friend who I’ve known for 10 years, and only met once. I’m like Donna also, in that my best friend is my husband, we “do” stuff together like diving and travelling, hiking, that’s what I love most!
Julieanne van Zyl recently posted…Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Julieanne, I’ve come to appreciate my wife, like you and Donna, as my best friend. It’s interesting that someone you met through your online business has become one of your best friends, despite only having met once. I hope you two can meet again offline one of these days 🙂
Hi Stephen,
I enjoyed your post.What a great study.When I was younger I had many good friends who were usually there for me when I needed them and who made my life much more enjoyable.As I got older I lost touch with most of them due to moving around a bit and losing contact.I’ve since had other friends that I’ve known for years and were close to,or so I thought.I’ve come to find out that 95% of those people I always thought were good friends were only acquaintances.Now I have went through most of my adult life thus far with basically no friends.This has at times brought me alot of unhappiness.There has been so many times when I wished I just had someone to talk to.I love meeting new people and feel I am a great person to be around but it seems everytime I meet someone I think I can call a new friend they turn out to be someone totally different and not so nice.I believe we do need friends in life and I do believe having the right group of friends can enrich our lives in so many ways.
Thank you very much for sharing this,
Jamie
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Jamie, it’s so true that many of our “friends” are really acquaintances. Seasons and life circumstances often make friendships on again and off again. But we can seek to be the type of friend who can be trusted to be loyal, honest, open, and loving. In doing so, we will attract others who are like us, and will increase our chances of forming long lasting in depth friendships.
Hey Stephen,
Love this post. Having friends is really important to me. I have 3 very very close friends, then I have friends from different circles and then I have my online friends. When I was thinking about the quote “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.” I was thinking about my closest 3 friends.
We were discussing what real friends were over our Christmas lunch and we were saying how ‘Real Friends’ are those that you can not see for a weeks but as soon as you see them you can pick up where you left off, you can reach out to at any time and they always understand. They have unconditional love and always have your back in times of need.
I feel blessed.
Thanks for sharing,
Beth 🙂
Beth Hewitt recently posted…{Breaking News} World to end next week instead?
Martin Seligman is the man.
Even the Blue Zones support the power of friends to lift us in life and add life to our years.
What a great set of roles for friends to play. I attempted to enumerate some common roles that friends play, but at a lower level, when I wrote “I Get By With a Little Help from My Friends.” Here is a sampling:
* The friends who care about you, simply because you are you.
* The friends who stand up for you, even when you don’t stand up for yourself.
* The friends who inspire you, even when you don’t feel very inspired.
Stephen,
As I look back on my life I can truly say I’ve not had that many truly close friends. Certainly not enough to fill the wonderful qualities you suggest. I also notice that of those I would call friend the vast majority are of the opposite sex.
My absolute best friend is my wife.
I think, along with making 2013 a year I choose to slow the pace down and be in touch with the moment, it will also be a year of developing meaningful relationships and friendships. The value in having friends is obvious.
Many thanks for a great post and a Happy New Year!
RICK
Rick Lelchuk recently posted…Set Your Desire on Fire
Thanks Stephen, because although we know it’s true it is good to be reminded. I notice you didn’t say much about differences between men and women. I seem to notice that women tend to find and keep a few good friends more easily than men (generally, of course). I can see how the 6 specific roles are important. I also think Julieanne has an idea- look for people you can DO stuff with you that you enjoy doing, and try to find in them some of the needed roles.
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Hi Stephen, Great post!! I think that it is so important to find and have friends… especially as we move on in our lives. I think that long time friends are wonderful but adding new ones to the crowd ( or small group) is so important. I love the idea that I have friends that I haven’t seen in forever, if we ran into each other on the street we could sit down and talk as if we had never been apart. I like the list of roles of friends, I am going to see which friend suites each role.. I wonder which one I would be and of course I am sure that not all friends would see me in the same role!
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I am at home alone with my family all week long, and am not able to get out much. It seems like I do a lot more connecting online than I do face to face. But it’s surprising how close you can grow to someone through the written word.
I have a lot of friends at church and Bible study whom I see once every week or two, and many of them are people I know I could count on in any kind of trouble, just as they could count on me.
Willena Flewelling recently posted…December Reflections
This is a wonderful topic that I have not seen many touch on…and really drives deeps with me. I grew up a military brat and had to constantly make friends. I have some that I still have contact with, but we do not hang out in person.
I have found that when I met Kim Castleberry, it was like we clicked. We did not have to 100% agree with each other, but we respected what we each believed, and had a lot in common. I cannot believe my luck in finding a friend in her… in fact, she is probably one of the few people I know that actually know what friendship is suppose to be. Sometimes I feel like a bad friend because she always seems to be there even when I am in my self-made work dungeon, but all I have to do is text or Skype, or find a way to interact when we are not dining, going to a convention, or clubbing together.
Adult friendships are important…. every person needs a Kim in their life.
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Stephen – Your blog is like the Gym. Once I finally make it here I want to stay for a while. Well just read what to do stay positive, and now I want to discuss something negative. Sorry.
As I get older, I find people will let you down. Give them enough time, and they’ll find a way to screw up. Even as little as five years ago, I had a lot of friends that I would communicate consistently with, but not so much today. I also had 2nd and final child five years ago. Maybe that has something to do with it…Going back to other article to find the positive vibe again. 🙂
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Stephen,
wow, this is interesting topic.. I never knew about any reserch, but I learn a lot the last 3 years of my Mother before passing to the better world 🙂 always head friends to depend on and she was very good for her freinds to depend on her… BUT when she went in the nursing home… that was teh time I trully understand that freinds can make a lot of difference especially at adult life.
She had a roomate that they never meet before, but within a few days they become inseparable and each otehrs (even so they both needed help) always, ALWAYS helped each others in what ever way they could…
This may be a coincidence… but the story is worth to tell (hope you do not mind) When my mother went in the hospital because of a fall… she was away from teh nursing home for a few days more than tow weeks.. the room =mate every day asked teh nurses where my mother was and she was told she was in teh hospital because of the fall and she will come back soon…
It was not long that teh roommate passed away in her sleep… and when my motehr come back.. she also start to ask where her roommate was … we keep telling her that she went to anotehr floor and she will be back soon…
My motehr never say aything. but I could tell she did not buy what I said and as things went, whithin a week my motehr passsed away as well…
I had a dream soon after and some how I seen them towgether in heaven where they belong.
Thanks for allowing me to share the story Stephen.
Hope this helps others along teh way…
nickc
nick catricala recently posted…Lost Direction
Stephen the friendship ratio to death stunned me but then I thought about how when my grandfather retired he distanced himself from his friends and would isolate in the house. He died soon after. I think his heart was broken because some of his best buddies still worked and he may have felt he did not have enough in common. He missed them but for some reason he could not keep the friendships on another level. It was his choice because I know his buddies tried to reach out to him. Thanks loads of useful info here.
Lydia Brown recently posted…How to Use FORM to Engage Prospects
Lydia, what a strong illustration of the importance of relationships. Men, especially, often need help to learn how to form connections as they grow older. Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m sorry about your grandfather.
I feel very grateful everyday for the friends that I have, some have been friends from childhood others and very new by comparison. I’m aware some people find it hard to make friends and build close relationships – I feel sad for people in that position.
Sadie-Michaela Harris recently posted…Will The UK Embrace Making Payments Mobile Phone in 2013?
Hi Stephen,
This is a really interesting post. I was intrigued with the research about how the hill was perceived when the students were with their friends or alone. It shows you how important the role our true friends play in our lives. I am fortunate to have 5 really close friends. A couple of them I’ve known for almost 30 years! The connection to that handful of people is priceless. I love when we can always pick up where we left off whenever we connect. These friends are so special, all of us know we will always be there for each other no matter what. It isn’t easy to find, but once that type of connection is made, it needs to be cherished! Thanks Stephen.
Raena Lynn
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