Whether you have grand plans or not, I think it’s important to play small every day—even while keeping your eye on a larger goal. The little things make a huge difference, both for us and the people whose lives we touch. Lori Deschne, 5 Ways To Make A Difference In Somebody’s Day
Life can be overwhelming. We all want to leave our mark on the world.
But the world can seem so big. We can feel so busy.
What can you do to make a difference fast for your friends and loved ones?
Speak Your Loved Ones’ Love Languages
Gary Chapman, in his best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, teaches us that each of us feels most loved when someone expresses it a certain way.
Here are the five love languages:
Acts of Service
Does it mean a lot to you when someone goes out of their way to help you move; or just wash the dishes for you?
Doing practical acts of service, whether small or large, goes a long way for many people.
Quality Time
I could wash your dishes, walk your dog, and do all sorts of things for you. But if I don’t spend quality time with some of you, you will not feel loved.
Quality time means that someone takes a whole day off just to be with you. It doesn’t always matter what you do together, but that you spend lots of time to be together.
Words of Affirmation
Acts of service and quality time may be okay for some. But to truly feel loved, they need to read it and hear it.
Birthday cards, anniversary cards, letters, and notes of encouragement mean the world to these people. And they want to hear the words, “You’re a great friend. I appreciate x about you. I love you.”
Gifts
All of the above are nice, but gifts will really communicate love to others of you. Friends and/or spouses/lovers who carefully study your tastes and interests, then take the initiative to buy you gifts, small and large, are speaking your love language.
Touch
And then there are those of you who just want a hug, a squeeze of the hand, a kiss on the cheek. Many feel most loved when they are touched.
Think about love languages. Think about your friends and loved ones.
Our tendency is to speak the language we’re most comfortable with. For example, I am a words and touch person. My wife is an acts of service and gifts person. If I hug Vicki and tell her how much I love her, she’s okay with that. But if I work on a home project and buy her a gift, you should see her eyes light up!
Unfortunately, I’m often too lazy or selfish to “speak her language”. Any cross cultural resident will tell you that the more effort they make to learn the language and customs of another culture, the greater they will connect with the people of that culture.
Study your friends and loved ones. Make the effort to speak their love languages. You’ll make a big difference in their lives!
photo credit: ferran pestana
Hi Stephen,
I like the suggestions you made on how to make a difference in your relational world. We must understand each other’s language and also likes and dislikes. I’m not a touchy-feely person, but my husband is. I need to be mindful of that. I do make it a point to touch each day to put a smile on his face.
Simple acts of kindness is something that is part of my life. I guess I have that mindset instilled within me. The other day at the grocery store an old woman with a cane and packages was getting into a taxi. To my surprise the driver didn’t even help her. I offered to help her and she said “get out of my way” It made me laugh. Maybe I was insulting her, or maybe she was saying that out of fear. But it didn’t matter to me. I just shrugged it off and won’t let it ever stop me.
Thanks for the great post.
Donna
Donna Merrill recently posted…Self-Confidence
Donna, you and my wife would get along well 🙂 She’s not very touchy-feely either, and guess who she married? Me! Mr. Give-Me-A-Hug!
It’s a show of your maturity and compassion how you handled that older woman. Perhaps she is suffering quite a bit, and has a hard time believing someone would care enough to be gracious to her. Maybe you melted her heart just a bit 🙂
Wonderful advice – I especially like “touch.” Unlike many other places, where I live (Hawaii) touching is not limited to family and friends – a kiss on the cheek is a common greeting even among business colleages. And, we all hug, hug, hug! I remember once after playing a successful round of golf in a big-deal tournament with a Japanese client who’d flown in from Tokyo just for the event. We did so well I got carried away with the excitement I jumped up and hugged him – quickly followed by a moment of stunned silence as I realized what I’d done (because of course the Japanese are not known for being touchy feeling!), and he stood there staring at me – then – for the first time in the 2 years I’d worked with him – he got a huge grin on his face, nodding his agreement and patted me on the back! Whew!
marquita herald recently posted…Alone Doesn’t Have to Mean Lonely During the Holidays
martiinmaui I think I would fit in very well in Hawaii, since I love touch so much. In Brazil, where I grew up, touch is very much a part of the culture, especially that kiss on the cheek. I loved the story of your Japanese client! 🙂
Hi Stephen,
wouldn’t it be nice if most people where aware of the great insights you are sharing in your post.
Learning the ‘love language’ of your partner or other people would definitely make communication so much better.
Yes, takes effort, as you have so openly shared from your example, but it is so worthwhile!
Thank you so much for shining a light on this!
Cheers,
Yorinda
Yorinda recently posted…Uses of Sole the Himalayan Salt Solution
Yorinda, you are very correct! Thank you for your encouraging feedback 🙂
You know, I’ve heard about Gary Chapman’s book countless times, but I never really thought about what my own love language is. Quality time and words of affirmation, I suppose. Now to start paying more attention to my family and friends to determine what theirs would be… Thanks for making me think!
Willena
Willena Flewelling recently posted…The 12th of the 12th of the 12th
Willena, you make some great points. First, we need to be aware of our own love language. Then, we need to pay attention to our family members and friends, and love them in their ‘language.’
In a world where love does not seem to be expressed very much in ANY way, maybe there is a hierarchy of love, which might borrow from Maslow. In which case receiving love or needing it is probably near the bottom. And actually being self-aware enough to consider the 5 languages of love would be at or near the top. Notice how the expression of true joy and friendship in Marty’s story trumps whatever shortcomings there may have been in the cultural differences (as important as they may be). So maybe sincerity of the expression, the perceived heartfelt-ness of it, is the true top.
Richard Goutal recently posted…Building an Online Business Brings Conflicting Advice From All Directions
Richard, those are some very insightful points, and a very interesting take on Maslow’s hierarchy! I love your last point that “maybe sincerity of the expression, the perceived heartfelt-ness of it, is the true top.”
Steve,
I think that the best way to make a difference is to serve others selflessly. Service is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself and others.
It also creates good karma 🙂
Dewane Mutunga recently posted…Would You Do It For The Love?
Dewane, thanks for sharing about the importance of serving. I would point out that loving each other according to their main love languages is true selfless service. Because it takes a certain amount of selflessness to step outside our comfort zone of our own love language to love someone according to their preferred love language.
Steve,
As recent events have come to pass I for one can relate the very essence of this post. We live in a crazy crazy world and putting a solid effort forth to do something about that on day to day basis is truly a noble thing. Thank you for this thought!
cb
Chuck Barnes recently posted…2012 Gulf Shores Orange Beach Christmas Lighted Boat Parade Pictures and Videos
You’re welcome, Chuck. Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Stephen,
Great way to share what would be great to do and learn to live a better and happy life.
Yoru suggestions are clear and easy to understand and for certain will assit many of us while interacting with others.
I for teh record I am the touchy-huggy-kissing type.. but had to refrain a lot since I met a young lady who is not… and guess what? I miss it but in life we always have to make choices…correct?
Mind you, I still do it but not as much as I used to.. that is all… so if we meet in person, do not be surprised if I hug you haha 🙂
Great to read thse type or articles.
nickc
nick catricala recently posted…Choose Wise
Nick, it’s nice that you have refrained with the touchy, huggy, kissing with your young lady, but it’s even nicer if both partners can reciprocate each other’s love in that partner’s love language.
Mine is words of affirmation. I don’t need gifts or anything else. I just like to know that what I have provided is helpful. To me, that is the best gift. 🙂
My son is touch and words of affirmation. I think naturally without even figuring it out, he has me down … hopefully he stays that way in his upcoming teen years, lol.
I find at times some people are harder to figure out what their love language is.
Nile recently posted…How Many Plugins Should You Install In WordPress?
Thank you , Nile, for sharing your love language. I think words of affirmation is a runner up to my primary language of touch. It really helps that your son shares the same love language as you 🙂
Steve Borgman recently posted…Ways of Becoming A Leader: For Those Who Don’t Think They Can
We are blessed, Steve, to be able to give love.
I don’t really know why we walk this earth for a few short years before returning to our purely spiritual existence. But I believe it was to learn to offer love. We were born through love and sustained through it. And all the time in between is spent trying to learn ways to reciprocate, in some small way, the love we have received from our parents, children and spouse. Your suggestions here, have been well worth reading and contemplating.
I think we find our divine purpose through our various expressions of love.
PS: I work hard at it, but think I’ll have to be around a bunch more years to get good enough at it to move on 🙂
David Merrill 101 recently posted…Selling Affiliate Products
David, thanks for your words of wisdom. I find I John in the Bible to be particularly powerful. Essentially, the writer refers to God as being Love. And we who follow Him must be made perfect in love. And the Scripture writer, Paul, teaches us that Love casts out Fear. I, like you, have a long way to go in this area. Growing in our capacity to give and receive love is one of the best endeavors we can choose.
Stephen,
The 5 love languages give us a perception that we are not all the same in our preferences, based upon so many factors that it would be difficult if not impossible to change. It also seems to be quite common that we choose a partner with very different priorities. That’s what originally leads to the passion and desire. How boring would it be if we both liked the exact same things? There would be very little challenge, very little to strive for. Through our differences, we learn to be patient and kind and accepting and we learn how much we can really affect another person’s mood and sense of well being.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted…Are YOU Giving the Most Love YOU Can Give – to YOU?
Dr. Erica, I’m pretty sure you’re familiar with Imago Therapy, and Harville Hendrick’s books. His book, Getting the Love You Want, is one of my personal favorites for showing us, as partners in a committed relationship, to let our differences be affirmed versus judged.
G’Day Steve,
Greetings from Australia.
Confucious say:
‘Many a fine restaurant restaurant has gone broke by only serving……….what the cook likes’.
This is a great book, give it credit for saving many troubled marriages.
Enjoy the holidays & have a great New Year.
Cheers,
Ron.
Thank you, Ron 🙂
Hi Steven,
Thank you for sharing this with everyone.Showing those that are near to us how much they mean to us is very important.There are alot of ways we can do this and I think you’ve outlined the most important.My wife really appreciates acts of service and gifts but I think her biggest things are quality time and touch.Of course my girls like the quality time and hugs but most of all the gifts :).These are great tips on showing our love to people and we should learn to practice these and show our loved ones how much they really mean to us.
Thank you for the great tips Stephen.
Jamie
Jamie Bishop recently posted…“LOVE THY NEIGHBOR”
Hi Stephen,
I like the positive suggestions you made on how to make a difference in your relational world. I haven’t read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, but I do agree with the points he made that you shared in this post. My two favorites are the power of words of affirmations and acts of service. When someone you care about tells you how much they appreciate or love you it really makes you feel great. Having the support of my family really helps me to stay positive and focused.
Shelley Alexander recently posted…Tea Roasted Butternut Squash Soup
You are right, Stephen, I think we all do want to leave our mark on the world and be remembered for contributing something of great significance.
Learning the “love language” of another speaks volumes that you care. I could never get it right with my first wife. I’d bring her candy and she wanted flowers. I didn’t take the time to learn what she wanted, I thought I knew better. That’s why she was my first wife and I was her first husband. Ouch!
Goooooood lesson, my friend!
RICK
Rick Lelchuk recently posted…Extraordinary Living Through Discipline
I love your suggestion Stephen,
From ego driven to social driven relationships, the difference that makes the difference not only in the quality of our relationships, but on our health and life balance too.
Knowing we can rely on others is the result of non-egoistic strategies that lead to more with less effort.